I want your everything as long as it's free

So I've adopted a little mini pincher and her name is Lucy <3

Times a' changin'

so a whirlwind of events have taken place from the moment I laid down those moving boxes on my new hard wood floors to the moment I sent my first check for the month's rent.

I was let go from PH (the source of my wealth) but I quickly went scouting and although I did not land a server gig I did however find this small ever so gentle gem of a work place. The faces are friendly the work is light the pay check is steady what's a girl to complain about? oh yeah. taxes.

see as a server you don't get hit with taxes so often and if you do it's taken away from you before you even feel it beneath your hands much as the feeling pay checks give you. I know a girl shouldn't complain especially under these circumstances but come on I feel not as whole and I know it's a risky move but I'm looking for a better cash out a larger scale... a restaurant perhaps with lots happening and heavy tippers.

I feel like a stripper.

but it's game in the name of $$

my troubles are this:

a party on hallow's eve with much anticipated booze, food and cheer. I need dinero so I could foot the bill. I need to look sharp, I need to buy food, I need to pay some heavy bills.

I need I need I need. the vocabulary of a city girl with some money blues.

ugh..

a few thousand dollers later

All moved in, it's definitely an exciting feeling to have something to call your own.
Something that reads out loud your name.

mmhmm.
this feeling will stay withe me forever.

new apartment new vacation time new me

I'm in constant planning for the next before the first next even happens and this is a true example of what I do. My parents moved me from a comfortable corner next to the living room where my bed was to this annoying hallway (because thats what it actually is) next to the kitchen with no air conditioner and a thin curtain between the door and me. From the moment I came home after working a double shift I slammed my bags on the floor dragged myself to the living room and complained to my dad who thought this was a great idea... During this time I was paying my student loans, bills, etc. the next day I started talking numbers to myself and realizing slowly that I can actually do what I've been dying to do for so long... live by myself alone in an apartment with of course my boyfriend and a few weeks later thats exactly where my wheels are turning. I'm waiting to get approved by a board for a building I'm prepared to move into and as we speak I've bought my plane tickets for me and Phil to Guatemala for christmas. I'm already thinking about a house warming party and going to Kate's Papier for invitations and where to register for gifts... I'm thinking about commissioning a student interior decorator to furnish my apartment and I have a dear friend who managed a furniture store for like 5 years whose already offered to help go bargain shopping at furniture auctions.



I am extremely nervous, excited, and motivated.

excuse me miss

I am so glad that there is no one holding on to my coat tails dragging themselves trying to get ahead through me. An episode of my life eludes me. I have went through hate and anger and the residue are dabs instead of wads but thats okay with me for right now. I don't like bringing stupid shit up but it seems to run out of my mouth from time to time. Although as internet creeps that we've all adopted within ourselves none of us can help but dig and laugh at the unfortunate that have never sat well with us. I feel bad for feeling good but thats the merry go 'round isn't it? It can be my over analytical treasure skill or just my amateur hating skills but these girls are sitting ducks with their own hands on the trigger. I don't sabotage, vindicate or go out of my way to "help" anyone for that matter I've learned from a very telling song that people will gladly do that to themselves if you just sit and wait and it's been truthful to date.

I recently met someone who just kept waving her red flags around and as sad as her sob stories were and as much as I hope her all the best I gave her a wrong number because she said she wanted to keep in touch so I rearranged two numbers around when I gave it to her. To me I dodged a bullet after petting it. Age and Love have taught me to be cordial and witty and although I may not say goodbye in the most politically correct way I don't give reasons to hate me and ignore the cliff people are backing into if they're ignoring it themselves.

Some things just don't seem to be worth risking my name or my energy. I just don't like people that ask too much of me I've noticed a pattern in the friends I keep they're all people I can admire in one way or another and are my peers not my successors and not sad cases with no luck. Being alone without a best friend for such a long time has given me good traits now that I do find myself with someone I can call a best friend I'm not as dependent as before and I've realized she is such a positive person that shares these values.

I'm not going to say that it's a good thing some thing's never change in some people because it's their demise but it just is what it is as much as I want to reach out and hold my hand out for them in some ways it's already what I'm doing but they've turned the lights out in their own tunnel and as I've mentioned before I will turn the other way if you're already faced the other way. There's no point in leading a horse to water if it doesn't want to drink it.

tomorrow I'm hosting either a bbq or a small dinner party depending on the weather for Philip's 2 cousins that are his actual 1st cousins. I'm hoping for the best.

bring your fancy pants

the pic is of my in my empty room in alfred a day before I left... months have passed and I don't feel regretful and it feels like all of the angst I had for years was flushed out I don't have the same desires to flee from new york city as I did before. I guess it's good riddance than. I'm building blocks again and setting up a reward for my best efforts already. I started serving at Planet Hollywood again in hopes that people are good to me and it's $700/a week for me again cuz lord knows I need the cash. I can't wait to fast forward some more schooling over again I need to get this debt outta the way and I'll be set. I need motivation right now I need to keep focused but I know I'm just distracting myself from the things I really need to do and now with summer over I'm afraid everything thats been ignored is gonna smack me in the face this fall.. *sigh* I need some hope

Primer Dia De Verano

I am inlove, love love love with you

June 26th

Micheal Jackson Died Today.

lazy days in los angeleees if aint your parents its the damn police

So I brought up the West coast to the man I love again and the more I talk about it the more he gets enticed.. at least I rather believe that, he always gives me a shpeel about how he wont be making the same number profit else where but I'm convinced it's because of living wages in NY and its not like he really sees much of the money any how.. I don't know, I wasn't smitten by LA when I visited but now that I'm older I can appreciate the quality of life you get there in exchange of some minimal $$ (by comparison of course). I really want to get up and move but only time and a BA will tell.

anyways I saw my friends today and for a moment at the MoMa store I sighed and thought of how one of my dear friends whom I love for her carelessness and in present time living she stands by is really her biggest enemy.. all of the unfiltered love she offers is her own demise and it made me sad because nothing anyone would lecture to her would do any good. I picked up objects around me and listened carefully to her bouncing comments in between stories and remarks about how this suicide she attempted was sooo 3 months ago and this catch up she was clueing me in on right now is just like a story and not real life. I looked at my friend and decided not to care. She's asked me not to care about her before and I was resistant but now I have my old friend back and I'll be there in the side lines rooting for her and at her bedside when she's torn by failed loves we all saw coming because that's what friends do. We don't try to organize lives, angle them or judge them we just wait for our cue and go from there. She wants me for comfort and reassurance and not around for the bad parts and that's okay. I have thought about just letting this one go absent phone calls and no attempts to reconnect. I thought about all the turmoil that happened between us and decided this was a friendly split but then she was incessantly calling and sending messages and I'm happy I have her back realizing that we all go through rough patches and hers was especially bitter but she in her own way was not to blame.

So that said things have their pockets in my life and I'm very happy with how things are going.. noted that not everything is as peachy in other aspects but those things are tangible and minor to everyday living I'm proud of the track I'm running on right now.

Es Con Migo

Today I celebrated father's day and Phil's birthday to a great success!

My man turns 24 today

I am crazy about this man and how do you show the person you swoon for how special he is on his very special day? Well by working of course and postponing the celebration for next weekend.

Blah I know I can't do much from here but I need the $$$$ to do it up for his day because dimes aren't even in my bag right now
I feel aweful I don't have anything up my sleeve for his bday but I am planning on taking him to iHop on saturday morning and I hope he's down for a tour at the Brooklyn Brewery with some free beer at the end of it on sunday because it's my special plan along with a dinner my mother is cooking up for him that night. I really really illy wanna hire a limo with a stocked mini bar to take us to a Mets game and pick us up to go home instead of the beer tour but I know it's not in my budget right now :( I know the tour sounds like a good idea to me but Phil is always full of surprises sometimes he likes what I like and sometimes he's not into it at all so when I surprise him without him mentioning already that he wants/likes it, it's usually a fail so cross your fingers for me babies.

posting pix of the day to come!

Is it travesty? In search of treasure para mi corazon

I feel like a little wife at home but then whatever o'clock hits and I have to walk home.. I don't know what the real hesitation is to move in with Philip but actually scratch that my fear is not being able to be motivated enough to hold a full time job and school at the same time. I need to act fast right now because Phil's lease is almost up in September and I want to do so much before my money is set aside for rent. I'm pretty scattered around a bit right now. I'm hopefully going to help out on a short this week for my friend chris and hopefully jump back into the money pit planet hollywood soon! I can't wait to start making some cash.. I feel like such a broke ass lately....

bah I don't have much to blog about today

To Be Alone With You

I've been yelling demands to thin air. I don't know if it's vanity, mood swings, this birth control, spiritual emptiness or what? I have been fighting with Philip more than usual lately have noticed his strain thats becoming more than apparent but flesh and blood another person when we fight. There's no longer this want to keep me in the same room to work things out instead it's more of nonchalance and me being looking like a hysterical girlfriend. We've had one big fight that I think blew over all the other little ones and after making up we've come to an understanding of each other. He gets that I need a kiss to know he's not really mad or that I need some kind of physical contact coming from him first to help me get over being mad at him. I mean I admit it I'm dramatic I will cry about him not paying attention to me okay maybe not but I'm pretty sure I can cry about some dumb shit I've just made up to be a huge sore in this relationship but really theres nothing kisses don't heal... don't hate ya'll

but really I don't know what the hell is wrong with me sometimes, lord knows this man loves me unconditionally because he's the only guy who could handle my mess when I'm unwelcoming.

We talked about breaking up recently and I knew it could never be over... I mean at the sake of sounding like a crazy killing ex girlfriend I really do not see myself with anyone else and I know we're going to be Mr & Mrs.. down to he's my emergency person on my health insurance and I'm his on his bank accounts and I mean who can argue joint blockbuster memberships? If that isn't commitment I don't know what is. This is modern romance... I watch these Bridezilla shows and hear all these awful stories from both guys and girls about their insane other. In comparison I rather deal with our silly arguments over issues like controlling, jealous + malicious intents. I think this man is perfect for me he knows everything and I know him I love him too much to ever be okay with letting him walk out without a fight.


So I'm in love. I'm re-mapping my life, I'm designing my future re structuring my goals one by one and I feel like I'm moving I feel like I've been able to get passed a giant sore of a hurdle

Dulce

Alright lets air some shit out right now: number one I never thought I'd have anyone hate on me for any reason I'm usually minding my own business and out of the drama like it's my 9 to 5 but I think lately I've been hitting the beef curtains. My ride or die bff from high school flipped a 180 on me with this renowned personality that seemed to be all too much self involved with no real interest in anything but herself and that veered me off along with a few other side notes that aren't much of any deal to mention now but thats the jump off to this weird milk spill. Second: Was this bug eyed fat head Ana whom my parents and anyone with the focus on told me she looked like a creep and walking trash making me look bad just being next to her but of course as a charitable person I wanted to see the good in her and it didn't hurt to finally have a friend that was so close to home but the reminder of why I hadn't had any before her came very quickly. Losing her as a friend doesn't bother me but having tension with someone that shows their face around me randomly is a tempting ass beat I wanna give her but can't because of the company I'm with. It bothers me my "bff" keeps fathead ana hanging on her dick because hey, wtf? but it's no business of mine the fathead adds the same effect everywhere she goes so I'm not fretting by any means. Now Third: here I go to the middle of METALO and PINGA street in god knows where the fuck I'm at hicksville NY and I get all big and beat some girls face and boom you know it's like instant noodle soup drama right there. FOURTH: Room mate drama, I had to put some blonde hair blue eyed mess in her place and put her shit on BLAST and when I mean blast I mean MICROPHONE IN THE AIR LOOK AT YOUR DIRTY PANTIES FLY FROM THE BALCONY blast... Sometimes I feel bad about that so my bad Jessica but you know you deserved it and I mean it was also a kinda casualty case since everything else had been building up this hoe was my release so to self appreciated bff, fathead ana and racist twin... well actually racist twin got it pretty bad too but the rest got out easier than the rest.

To Round up what bothers me is the drama I've been a part of in the past few years. My bad if I started but you know what I know my "bestie" will read this and it's long over due girl, you know I don't harbor bad feelings for you and it's been hard to word my frustrations with you but I think I finally have and hope you get no offense from it.

and feel free to forward this one to your pet friend because Lord knows I wont hesitate to ever swing some action into her face if she ever had the balls to approach me with her cyber talk bullshit she barks out.

MARBLE girl you had some good intentions and got all possessive of OUR apartment another one that I probably didn't mean all the mess I sprung on you because we did have some good times too but of course you bumped me over to the edge too much so you know you got what you did to shoot your ass back down to earth

and my brawl in Alfred with the Twin was this, I went to this girl's house and she thought she could take me so she threw a hit at me first and I knocked her down to the floor and wouldn't let go of her she slurred some racist remarks at me and I took her to judicial court. That Drama I don't regret, doesn't bother me doesn't do anything because of that I made some pretty amazing friends who supported my causes and the events put together for that, that drama put someone disgusting on the spot light for what they deserved and put at least an ounce of fear in the bitch when she saw me around campus.


This blog is my release.. I'm glad I wrote this all out because being able to list this as compared to some people that live month by month with new drama that they can't count is something good to physically see.

It has bothered me to think if that made me a bad person to have this baggage but it doesn't anymore going to Alfred was a blessing in different ways. I mean without that I wouldn't have gotten to meet all these new amazing friends, to realize a new career path for myself, to know my own strength..