In The Violent Hour

Sleep doesn't sit well with me.

My many problems, concerns, anticipations catch up to me on the 11th hour.. I just thought about the quote "you get what you give" and I'm thinking about what I put out into the universe? and I think it's been all garbage, afraid and lazy and just nothing at all... I need to check my negativity and catch up on my ambition because it's left me in the back seat and took off first chance it got. I think about what I want people who I don't like anymore to see me when they finally do after such a long time and I have this fantasy that I'm thin, great skin and laughing with lots of friends.. I know it's silly of me to think that way but it's not a sin to have these thoughts, I think it's natural to want that but I thought.... "wow, why has it become PEOPLE that I don't like anymore" I mean people in plural as in more than one person. That's scary.


I don't want to be friends anymore with these people but I have to force myself to stop blaming them for whatever it is that I don't like about them and look at myself and ask myself "why was I even aquatinted with them?" better yet, at a point I know that there was some common ground between us, something that made get along and that thing is something I wonder about. I keep thinking of myself as better than other people and I guess this "cool points" I sometimes rank people in. These are juvenile and I know that and I'm passed that but snooping through the facebook of my past of course I wonder of course these things come up again... and I really want to better, I want to be someone who has friends for a lifetime and not just for a faze and then we can't have anything to talk about anymore.

I want to give positive energy into this world, I want to do good things because it's what I think about and see myself in.



At 16 I was reckless, fucking around and breaking hearts even my own.. The scares haven't disappeared yet and it's hard for me to move on and think is this really me? or am i being influenced? how do I know I'm not in a pit again.. I have these questions about myself and this constant battle because my only identity as an adult was this fucked up shit I made for myself in my early steps of adulthood so it's confusing to know what's really me if my beginning of me wasn't really me. How do I dilute the fat and get the skinny on who I am.


This chapter needs to turn into a new one, full of accomplishments because I'm already full of hope