new apartment new vacation time new me

I'm in constant planning for the next before the first next even happens and this is a true example of what I do. My parents moved me from a comfortable corner next to the living room where my bed was to this annoying hallway (because thats what it actually is) next to the kitchen with no air conditioner and a thin curtain between the door and me. From the moment I came home after working a double shift I slammed my bags on the floor dragged myself to the living room and complained to my dad who thought this was a great idea... During this time I was paying my student loans, bills, etc. the next day I started talking numbers to myself and realizing slowly that I can actually do what I've been dying to do for so long... live by myself alone in an apartment with of course my boyfriend and a few weeks later thats exactly where my wheels are turning. I'm waiting to get approved by a board for a building I'm prepared to move into and as we speak I've bought my plane tickets for me and Phil to Guatemala for christmas. I'm already thinking about a house warming party and going to Kate's Papier for invitations and where to register for gifts... I'm thinking about commissioning a student interior decorator to furnish my apartment and I have a dear friend who managed a furniture store for like 5 years whose already offered to help go bargain shopping at furniture auctions.



I am extremely nervous, excited, and motivated.

excuse me miss

I am so glad that there is no one holding on to my coat tails dragging themselves trying to get ahead through me. An episode of my life eludes me. I have went through hate and anger and the residue are dabs instead of wads but thats okay with me for right now. I don't like bringing stupid shit up but it seems to run out of my mouth from time to time. Although as internet creeps that we've all adopted within ourselves none of us can help but dig and laugh at the unfortunate that have never sat well with us. I feel bad for feeling good but thats the merry go 'round isn't it? It can be my over analytical treasure skill or just my amateur hating skills but these girls are sitting ducks with their own hands on the trigger. I don't sabotage, vindicate or go out of my way to "help" anyone for that matter I've learned from a very telling song that people will gladly do that to themselves if you just sit and wait and it's been truthful to date.

I recently met someone who just kept waving her red flags around and as sad as her sob stories were and as much as I hope her all the best I gave her a wrong number because she said she wanted to keep in touch so I rearranged two numbers around when I gave it to her. To me I dodged a bullet after petting it. Age and Love have taught me to be cordial and witty and although I may not say goodbye in the most politically correct way I don't give reasons to hate me and ignore the cliff people are backing into if they're ignoring it themselves.

Some things just don't seem to be worth risking my name or my energy. I just don't like people that ask too much of me I've noticed a pattern in the friends I keep they're all people I can admire in one way or another and are my peers not my successors and not sad cases with no luck. Being alone without a best friend for such a long time has given me good traits now that I do find myself with someone I can call a best friend I'm not as dependent as before and I've realized she is such a positive person that shares these values.

I'm not going to say that it's a good thing some thing's never change in some people because it's their demise but it just is what it is as much as I want to reach out and hold my hand out for them in some ways it's already what I'm doing but they've turned the lights out in their own tunnel and as I've mentioned before I will turn the other way if you're already faced the other way. There's no point in leading a horse to water if it doesn't want to drink it.

tomorrow I'm hosting either a bbq or a small dinner party depending on the weather for Philip's 2 cousins that are his actual 1st cousins. I'm hoping for the best.

bring your fancy pants

the pic is of my in my empty room in alfred a day before I left... months have passed and I don't feel regretful and it feels like all of the angst I had for years was flushed out I don't have the same desires to flee from new york city as I did before. I guess it's good riddance than. I'm building blocks again and setting up a reward for my best efforts already. I started serving at Planet Hollywood again in hopes that people are good to me and it's $700/a week for me again cuz lord knows I need the cash. I can't wait to fast forward some more schooling over again I need to get this debt outta the way and I'll be set. I need motivation right now I need to keep focused but I know I'm just distracting myself from the things I really need to do and now with summer over I'm afraid everything thats been ignored is gonna smack me in the face this fall.. *sigh* I need some hope

Primer Dia De Verano

I am inlove, love love love with you

June 26th

Micheal Jackson Died Today.

lazy days in los angeleees if aint your parents its the damn police

So I brought up the West coast to the man I love again and the more I talk about it the more he gets enticed.. at least I rather believe that, he always gives me a shpeel about how he wont be making the same number profit else where but I'm convinced it's because of living wages in NY and its not like he really sees much of the money any how.. I don't know, I wasn't smitten by LA when I visited but now that I'm older I can appreciate the quality of life you get there in exchange of some minimal $$ (by comparison of course). I really want to get up and move but only time and a BA will tell.

anyways I saw my friends today and for a moment at the MoMa store I sighed and thought of how one of my dear friends whom I love for her carelessness and in present time living she stands by is really her biggest enemy.. all of the unfiltered love she offers is her own demise and it made me sad because nothing anyone would lecture to her would do any good. I picked up objects around me and listened carefully to her bouncing comments in between stories and remarks about how this suicide she attempted was sooo 3 months ago and this catch up she was clueing me in on right now is just like a story and not real life. I looked at my friend and decided not to care. She's asked me not to care about her before and I was resistant but now I have my old friend back and I'll be there in the side lines rooting for her and at her bedside when she's torn by failed loves we all saw coming because that's what friends do. We don't try to organize lives, angle them or judge them we just wait for our cue and go from there. She wants me for comfort and reassurance and not around for the bad parts and that's okay. I have thought about just letting this one go absent phone calls and no attempts to reconnect. I thought about all the turmoil that happened between us and decided this was a friendly split but then she was incessantly calling and sending messages and I'm happy I have her back realizing that we all go through rough patches and hers was especially bitter but she in her own way was not to blame.

So that said things have their pockets in my life and I'm very happy with how things are going.. noted that not everything is as peachy in other aspects but those things are tangible and minor to everyday living I'm proud of the track I'm running on right now.