I love love love that Beyonce song "why don't you love me"

her video makes me swoon... all this art packed with some nice

lipstick on, it screams everything... I love her being desperate, careful carelessness,

swag..

I remember being 13 and hanging out with my best friend and her 6 or 7 year old sister, now I go through facebook and this 6 or 7 year old is a grown woman.. I don't know what my mother feels like watching me and my brothers grow up but just watching someone else evolve shocks me when I start to think of having kids... to think that once I start this process of growing a child I can never stop it. When will I be ready to press that 'go' button and never look back? It's such a funny thing to stop to think about...

I quit

wichcraft 'dinner has really fucked up on this one.. I got really upset at work and I believe that if they had just listened to me or at least generated some kind of interest to nip the problems in the bud then everything would've been okay.

I don't know what else I could have done differently, I've dealt with it all in this job and I always remained cool in all types of hot situations I was shuffled into.

Tonight was different for me.

One small comment threw me off because I was so tired. Tired of never saying anything back, of always being the bigger person, of never tattle telling or really just always taking the high road. When I looked to my manager for some support I really felt like I didn't get any, and the icing on top was the Kitchen Manager thought she could throw in her 2 cents like it was some kind of bash event. The girl hasn't ever asked me or considered talking to me about the tension between me and Janis, and she felt she had the antidote for the tension. Like I told her, this is none of your business .. but of course she had already felt like it was.

I felt attacked.

When I told the Kitchen Manager that she was really upsetting me with what she was saying she should of backed off, When my manager saw the Kitchen Manager chim in from the beginning he should of recognized that this wasn't the time for her opinions, I was already visibly upset.

The matter in which my concerns that I had brought to my manager were dealt poorly with. I'm really upset.. regardless I know there are a million restaurants I could serve at but it's heartbreaking when I was just settling in.

oh well... I guess shit happens for a reason right? I could get so much further into this but I don't think there's a point. All I know is that I've been the best person I could be and Janis' will get hers, I may forget but Karma runs it's own path.

These are the ABC's

watching the Tyra show about transgender children, when we socialize kids at such a young age & they don't agree with their gender from the start how far would you take this issue? I mean when adults have lived out years of their natural gender for most of their lives I believe that even some of them are still confused after their medical and emotional changes of gender. Is it really okay for a parent to make these kind of single self decisions of gender for their children so early on?

In the case of the little girl Kennedy who wants to be a boy you can hear the naive innocence of child in her responses and that's okay, but the bothersome part of her story is the reason why her mother decided to socialize her as a boy. Kennedy would kick, bite, and throw tantrums if put in a dress or be made to look, do or act "girly". Although I'm sure there are deeper levels to this surface it's just a little troublesome to swallow when you shift genders simply because you felt "pushed" by your child. I know she said the process for her to accept Kennedy as a boy was slow, but pace is not my issue here the issue is so what? So what if Kennedy doesn't like dresses, prefers guns and wrestling to my little princess and barbies. If Kennedy wants to say she's a boy is it okay to let her address herself as a boy? If you go along with the dictation of your child when do you actually start to parent? It just kind of seems like she's being bossed around by her kid, bribing and pleading with Kennedy to agree with her until she just threw in the white towel and let Kennedy call the shots.

When adults go through this decision of changing gender there's a system to help guide them into a decision they wont wake up and say "oh shit, nevermind". Although I do believe on some level that children hold such a true perspective of the world that still doesn't warrant them the full capability of making such grand decisions of gender change. My personal opinion about sexuality is that nothing is normal, with that said there are also things that just aren't up for questioning and those things are sexual organs. If you were born with a vagina you are going to be called a woman that's just not hypothetical it's set, it's there and we understand the difference. Transgender children, like a girl for example should understand their body parts and be explained why for the moment they have to deal with being woman-- periods, different sensitive body parts than male.. As much as you may try to dress your girl up as a boy she will develop into a woman and as a parent you need to draw a line and tell your child to wait.. Wait to grow up, let time go by maybe your child will grow up & understand that this identity that used to be transgender isn't the case and instead identify as being gay there are different ways this could go but you can't jump this start a premature feeling so early on let them grow up and with time they will have a mind set that will help them distinguish or just re-affirm their feelings. But I don't think it's right to accept transgender children, because their children! Transgender adults are a topic totally different, this is a decision as adults they have come to and have gone through years to understand themselves and know that their change is what's right for them this is their decision as an ADULT.

As a parent I believe that letting your child play with a doll if he's a boy is okay as well letting your little girl wear a "boy's" shirt but going out and changing your son or daughters name, going to the school and asking to help reassign your child's gender is really going too far. Transgender is a decision that should be taken to that next step as an adult not as a child. It's hard to distinguish the authenticity when you're child isn't even done with learning the ABC's.

slow down I just want to get to know you

so many girls fall inlove and they think that it's a finish line they have to get to in order to solidify their love to get to that next step to be that notch above or whatever it is they want to say it is. Love waits, love is more than sex and kisses love is beautiful if you just let it run it's path.

I am not married, I'm not engaged, I'm not his baby momma.. I haven't sank my teeth into the man I want to be with for the rest of my life and that's because I believe he'll be there tomorrow. My claws are filed and my teeth bite into dinner and not him I'm not looking for a ball and chain, I'm looking for happiness and equality between us both.

Sometimes I do get sucked into this socially respected way of partnership: the man and wife there's a certain dignity to being the mother of his children, the woman with the ring not only spiritually but a legal bind between us both-- a responsibility if you will. But that's not what I want my relationship with him to be just about.. I'm happy adopting a puppy together, sharing rent, having someone take me to church on sundays no strings attached.

Life happens whether you have planned it or not and if the day comes where I am married with children it will come anyways if I start now or 10 years later because it's suppose to happen. It's hard to look at the guy you can't breath, can't eat, can't sleep without but as a person you have to wait for the fog to clear and evaluate yourself before you jump the lake because sometimes the lake is the sea and sometimes that sea has hungry sharks swimming in it.

So before you run away from home, before you decide not using a condom is okay because you love and accept the outcomes think about clearing the fog. Sometimes taking care of yourself is a much more beautiful thing and love will follow, it will follow through the depths of your life because nothing is better than finding someone who knows how to love & the first part of knowing how to love well is to love yourself first.

"we accept the love we think we deserve"

In The Violent Hour

Sleep doesn't sit well with me.

My many problems, concerns, anticipations catch up to me on the 11th hour.. I just thought about the quote "you get what you give" and I'm thinking about what I put out into the universe? and I think it's been all garbage, afraid and lazy and just nothing at all... I need to check my negativity and catch up on my ambition because it's left me in the back seat and took off first chance it got. I think about what I want people who I don't like anymore to see me when they finally do after such a long time and I have this fantasy that I'm thin, great skin and laughing with lots of friends.. I know it's silly of me to think that way but it's not a sin to have these thoughts, I think it's natural to want that but I thought.... "wow, why has it become PEOPLE that I don't like anymore" I mean people in plural as in more than one person. That's scary.


I don't want to be friends anymore with these people but I have to force myself to stop blaming them for whatever it is that I don't like about them and look at myself and ask myself "why was I even aquatinted with them?" better yet, at a point I know that there was some common ground between us, something that made get along and that thing is something I wonder about. I keep thinking of myself as better than other people and I guess this "cool points" I sometimes rank people in. These are juvenile and I know that and I'm passed that but snooping through the facebook of my past of course I wonder of course these things come up again... and I really want to better, I want to be someone who has friends for a lifetime and not just for a faze and then we can't have anything to talk about anymore.

I want to give positive energy into this world, I want to do good things because it's what I think about and see myself in.



At 16 I was reckless, fucking around and breaking hearts even my own.. The scares haven't disappeared yet and it's hard for me to move on and think is this really me? or am i being influenced? how do I know I'm not in a pit again.. I have these questions about myself and this constant battle because my only identity as an adult was this fucked up shit I made for myself in my early steps of adulthood so it's confusing to know what's really me if my beginning of me wasn't really me. How do I dilute the fat and get the skinny on who I am.


This chapter needs to turn into a new one, full of accomplishments because I'm already full of hope

singles

"I'm 23. Remember how old 23 seemed when you were little? I thought people would be traveling in air locks and I'd have five kids. Here I am, 23. Things are...They're basically the same. I think time's running out to do something bizarre. Somewhere around 23 bizarre becomes immature"


this movie is just full of great qoutes.